Author: DwightClough

Myth #6: Forgiving an offender removes protective boundaries
Truth: Forgiveness is not reconciliation.

In an ideal world, we would always reconcile with those who hurt us. But we don’t live in an ideal world. We live in a fallen world. Sometimes reconciliation is possible; sometimes it is not.

Forgiveness	Reconciliation
Forgiveness is based on truth.	Reconciliation is based on trust.
Forgiving others changes your heart.	Reconciliation changes the relationship.
Protective boundaries stay in place with forgiveness.	Protective boundaries are partially removed with reconciliation.
Forgiveness depends on your choices.	Reconciliation depends on the other party’s choices.
Forgiveness is possible through Jesus.	Reconciliation is sometimes impossible.

Forgiveness does not automatically restore a relationship. For example, if someone harmed one of my children, I would look to Jesus for the grace to forgive. But I wouldn’t willingly allow that person to have any further access to my children. Relationships are built on trust, and if trust is not deserved, then a relationship cannot exist.

Someone I care about was raped. Although I think forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, I did everything in my power to protect the victim from having any contact with the perpetrator. I also championed the prosecution of the man who committed the crime. Simply because we may choose to forgive does not mean that the legal system should forgive. No. They have a different responsibility before God. It isn’t our job to dispense justice, but it is their job to dispense it. We are not vigilantes; we are citizens.

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: The prophet Samuel anointed both King Saul and King David as kings of Israel.
New question: Who captured the Ark of the Covenant and held it for several months?

Myth #5: Forgiveness takes place when we declare the offender forgiven.
Truth: The words “I forgive you” in themselves are not a magic incantation.

These words do not automatically result in forgiveness. Forgiveness is sometimes thought of as an act of the will, summoning the willpower to say those words aloud. But true forgiveness goes deeper than that. When true forgiveness takes place, the anger isn’t buried; it’s gone.

How is this possible? It’s only possible when Jesus grants us the truth that sets us free. That is, He shares with us God’s perspective on what happened and where we stand after we sustained the damage that we did. Once we see things from God’s perspective, forgiving others is easy. Until we do, it’s impossible.

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Bethlehem is the hometown of King David.
New question: King Saul and King David were both selected for their role as king by what Old Testament prophet?

Myth #4: If we forgive, we are condoning sin
Truth: Forgiveness is not about rationalizing or minimizing the offense.

Telling ourselves that “it wasn’t really that bad” or “he didn’t really mean to…” or “she was under a lot of pressure when she…” does not resolve the anger or result in forgiveness. The offense is what it is.

Forgiveness is not the same as condoning someone’s behavior. Sin is sin. The Bible says, “Woe to those who call evil good.”

Forgiveness is not denial (“It didn’t really hurt.“) or minimizing (“I’m sure he had a good reason for raping me.”).

Rather, forgiveness is about looking honestly at what happened, and coming to an understanding that God’s grace is bigger than what happened.

More next time…

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Daniel, Zechariah and Mary each spoke with the angel Gabriel.
New question: Bethlehem is known as the birthplace of Jesus. It is also the hometown of what important Old Testament person?

Forgiveness Myth #3: To forgive, we must bury our anger.

Truth: To forgive, we must face and acknowledge our anger, not bury it.

Yoda’s advice to his Jedi followers is almost the worst thing you can do with anger. Many people believe that Christians should bury their anger, deny it, suppress it, “forget” about it. None of those things work. The anger remains and festers inside like a cancer. Eventually it comes back out as illness, depression or an explosion of violent emotion.

Denial is a cheap substitute for grace. Lying to ourselves about what we really feel is what we do when we don’t know what else to do. But Jesus is strong enough to handle the truth. He knows what’s really inside each of us anyway.

The first step to forgiving is to acknowledge how angry we really are. Only then can we find grace big enough take that anger and replace it with peace.

More next time…

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Joshua, Elijah and Elisha each parted the Jordan River and crossed over on dry ground.
New question: What do Daniel, Zechariah and Mary all have in common?

Forgiveness Myth #2: If we forgive a perpetrator, we give that person power
Truth: Forgiveness does not empower the offender.

Most of us instinctively think that we will empower the offender by forgiving. The opposite is true. When we forgive, we empower ourselves, because the offense no longer drains us of the energy required to keep our anger alive. In fact, if the enemy can inspire us to hate our neighbor, then he has won. This is why we turn all the debts owed to us over to Jesus. Then we can bless and not curse. (Romans 12:14)

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Luke is the longest book in the New Testament. (Although Matthew and Acts each have more chapters, Luke has more words.)
New question: What do Joshua, Elijah and Elisha have in common?

Forgiveness Myth #1: We need to try hard to forgive
Truth: We don’t have the ability to forgive—apart from Christ

For years, I believed forgiving others was something we needed to try real hard to do. I finally figured out that there is no trying hard enough. Forgiving others is impossible—on our own.

If, somehow, you owed me $1,000,000 and you couldn’t pay—it would wipe me out to cancel the debt. In the same way, the evil done to us is so great that the perpetrators cannot afford to make restitution and we cannot afford to forgive. Yet we must forgive. What do we do?

We bring those debts to Jesus. Only Jesus can restore what was stolen from us. When we let go, He mends and heals what was broken and restores what was taken. Only He can take the hate from us and replace it with love.

Christianity is impossible. That’s why we have a Savior.

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Jeremiah has almost as many words as Psalms in most English Bibles. (However, in the original language, Jeremiah and Genesis each contain more words than Psalms.)
New question: What is the longest book in the New Testament?

God doesn’t make mistakes. He created us with the ability and the need to get angry sometimes. Do righteous men and women get angry? You bet they do! There is plenty in this world to get angry about.

But anger is like dynamite. Mishandled, it can get you into a lot of trouble. In this mixed-up world, sometimes we cannot use that anger for its intended use—to correct a problem or injustice—because sometimes we don’t have the freedom to do so.

So what do we do? We trade up. We hand the anger over to Jesus and see what He has in exchange for us. It might be peace. It might be joy. It might be some new insight that we never had before. It might be a plan. I don’t know what it will be, I just know that any time you give anything to God you always get something better in return.

In other words, we forgive.

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: The Old Testament was originally written in Hebrew (a small portion was written in Aramaic, a related language). The New Testament was originally written in Greek, the trade language of the Eastern Roman Empire.
New question: Psalms is the largest book in most English translations of the Bible. Which book has almost as many words as Psalms?

I’d like to take a few posts and share several thoughts about the much misunderstood process of forgiving others.

Here’s the first: You can only forgive from a position of strength.

Some people are unwilling to forgive because they see it as a sign of weakness. Quite the opposite is true. You cannot forgive from a position of weakness. It just isn’t possible.

Some are afraid that forgiving an abuser turns you into a doormat—a target for abuse. Again, that’s not what forgiveness is about. If you have the power to remove an abuser from your life, use it! God doesn’t want you to be a victim of abuse. Forgiving the abuser does not invite him/her back into your life. Rather, it’s an important step in the process of preventing yourself from incurring additional harm from that abuser.

More next time.

These thoughts are adapted from the course Spiritual Self Defense. More info here:

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Joab (David’s military commander) and his armor bearers killed David’s son Absalom.
New question: What language was the Bible originally written in?

I have a terrible memory for faces. Sometimes I see people out of context, and I know that I know them, I just can’t remember who they are, and I’m too embarrassed to walk up to them and say, “I know I know you, but I have no idea who you are.”

When it comes to small talk, I barely get a passing grade. They say you should read the sports page if you want to be a good conversationalist. I definitely get an F in that department. Mention a sports team, and I probably can’t tell you what sport they play. Mention an athlete, and I’m lost.

Maybe you are very fluid in human relations. Or maybe, like me, you feel a little clunky.

I mean to show people that I care, but sometimes I have no idea how. I mean to lighten the moment with humor, but while I’m searching for that joke, the conversation moves on.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about people. That doesn’t mean that I don’t value them. That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt when you hurt, or that I don’t cheer when you succeed.

What it does mean is this: We all are a work in progress. All of us grow in different ways. We each have different strengths. But God is at work in each of us, bringing out the good heart He has planted within.

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Isaiah went around naked and barefoot (Isaiah 20).
New question: Who killed David’s son Absalom?

This is probably going to sound corny, but I’ll tell this story anyway. The first woman I dated steadily broke up with me. It was one of those, “Let’s just be friends,” break ups.

I was crushed. Outside I put on a brave face, but inside I was an emotional wreck. After that “Dear John” conversation, I went someplace to be by myself. There I got on my knees and prayed this prayer: “God, I don’t know why this happened, but I want to affirm You are good, You know what You’re doing, and someday I will look back on this and be glad it happened.”

You know what? I am glad it happened. It needed to happen. It was best for her and best for me.

Today I want to talk about one more type of faith.

Jesus starts the Lord’s prayer with, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name.”

What does that mean?

Here’s another way of putting it: “I want everyone everywhere to know and believe the truth about how good and great You are.”

This is important. Here’s why: Trouble comes into every life, and sooner or later, it will find its way to you. That’s reality. And the time will come when you will be tempted to point an accusing finger at God.

This is one of the exercises of faith. We will affirm the goodness of God, even when we can’t feel it, see it, taste it, or touch it.

This is the big lesson in the book of Job. Trouble happens, but God is still good. This is our act of love toward God. Yes, our world may be falling apart, but God, You are still good.

To sum up: We’ve been talking about faith. In these last five posts we’ve seen:

1. Faith prompts us to do what God says, even when it doesn’t make sense.
2. Faith opens our eyes to see the value of the gift we’ve been given.
3. Faith is a gift from God; we trade our doubts for faith.
4. Faith grows as we go through the adventure of living life with Jesus.
5. Faith affirms the goodness of God, even when our world is falling apart.

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Bible trivia:
Answer from last time: Zechariah speaks of a flying scroll in the 5th chapter of his book.
New question: Which prophet went around “naked and barefoot”?