The under-anger approach to forgiving others
View the video on YouTube here
While the approach we described last time works well in most situations, sometimes a different approach works better. Here’s an alternative approach.
Identifying the vulnerable emotions
Anger feels empowering. It’s easy to feel strong when we’re angry. Other negative emotions such as fear and shame create a much more vulnerable feeling. But sometimes it’s important to set aside the strong feeling of anger to deal with the more vulnerable emotions that are “underneath it.” The anger may be covering up an emotion such as fear, abandonment, shame, feeling like garbage, confusion, hopelessness, invalidation, powerlessness. Often when these vulnerable feelings are dealt with, then the anger simply evaporates because it doesn’t serve a purpose any more; we don’t need to be angry to feel strong.
You may find that this process connects you with memories unrelated to the incident you are trying to forgive. That really is okay. In fact, it’s very good because it allows you to resolve issues from the past that are feeding into the anger you are experiencing in the present.
Steps for this alternative approach
NOTE: While you may be able to do this on your own, stop if you feel unsafe or unsure of what to do. Find a trained prayer minister, godly friend, or licensed therapist—someone who can help you create a safe place to process these volatile emotions.
1. Focus on what you’re feeling inside. Set aside the anger, and let yourself feel the more vulnerable feelings behind that anger.
2. As you focus on those vulnerable emotions, what memories or beliefs come into your mind. How did those feelings first become part of your life? If those feelings could talk, what would they say? What feels true in the memory(ies) you surface? (Give yourself some time with this; this usually takes several minutes.) Remember, we’re not trying to identify what IS true; we’re trying to identify what FEELS true, even if we know it isn’t true.
3. Invite Jesus to share His perspective and whatever He wants to give you. You could pray, “Lord Jesus, this feels true. What do I need from You?” Give the Lord time to share what He wants to share with you. Sometimes this is dramatic; often it is not. Often it’s just a quiet sense that Jesus is with you, and things are okay.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until all the unpleasant feelings are gone, and peace remains.
5. Now go back to the anger. Is it still there? If it is, then follow the steps from the last lesson. If it isn’t, then you’ve released the anger, and forgiveness has taken place. You can follow up with a prayer to this effect, “Father, I forgive [name] for [offense]. I don’t need any kind of payment from them or punishment to them for me to be okay. Thank You that I am okay because of the grace You have given me.”
Alternative approach example:
MJ: I’m so angry at my dad.
SONNI: Okay. Let yourself feel that anger.
MJ: I’m feeling it.
SONNI: Look around in that memory and see if there are any other emotions or feelings present. Is there anything under that anger?
MJ: [processing] I think I’m feeling something like shame.
SONNI: Let yourself feel that shame.
MJ: [processing] Okay.
SONNI: If that feeling of shame could talk, what would it say?
MJ: I know this is crazy, but it feels like it’s all my fault.
SONNI: Let yourself feel that. Is that where the pain is coming from in that memory?
MJ: Yeah, I think so.
SONNI: Can we ask Jesus about this?
MJ: Uh-huh.
SONNI: Jesus, what do you have for MJ right here?
MJ: [pause, smiles] It’s not my fault. That doesn’t feel true at all any more.
SONNI: Nice! What about that anger you felt toward your dad? What’s happening with that?
MJ: What anger? I don’t feel any anger. That anger is all gone.
Questions
- How is anger different from other negative emotions?
- Why would you set the anger aside and focus on other negative emotions?
- Why is it important to focus on any memories that surface during this process?
- Why might you need to get help to use this approach?
- What do you do when all the non-anger negative emotions are resolved?
What we learned in this course
- Forgiving others helps us
- We can only forgive from a position of strength
- Forgiving others does NOT invite abusers back into our lives
- Forgiving and reconciling are two different things
- Forgiving others is not meant to diminish you. Rather, it demonstrates how the actions of others can no longer diminish you.
- While we can sometimes become angry for righteous reasons, holding onto our anger harms us and others.
- Forgiving others does not mean minimizing or rationalizing the offense.
- Forgiving others does not involve going into denial about our feelings.
- Blanket forgiveness seldom works. Forgive the offense rather than the person.
- Heart (gut-level) beliefs can be in conflict with head beliefs.
- To forgive, we must identify the heart beliefs to prevent us from forgiving.
- Jesus can provide us with a “truth experience” to change false heart beliefs.
- When the reasons to stay angry are no longer present, then forgiving from the heart is easy.
- Sometimes we need to resolve the vulnerable emotions behind the anger in order to forgive.
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. Martin Luther King, Jr. (BrainyQuote.com)
Thanks for joining me on this course!
Feel free to review any or all of the lessons here.
Feel free to connect at our Facebook group or contact me here.
And let me encourage you to check out the resources below.
Explore these related resources…
If this course has been helpful for you, let me recommend my course, Spiritual Self Defense. Spiritual Self Defense will empower you to expand on these principles and experience God’s grace and transformation in a wide range of issues including temptation, sin, addiction, anxiety, relationship issues, self esteem, spiritual growth, and much more.
Questions? Want to talk? Connect at our Facebook group…
Scriptures for further study
Forgiving others commanded or referenced
(From the Lord’s prayer) And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:12, 14-15 NIV)
Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.[a] [a] Greek everyone who is indebted to us (Luke 11:4a NIV)
Jesus said, “Contain quarrels. If a Christian does something to harm you, go to him privately and resolve the problem. He may listen, apologize and make it right. If that happens, you have a friend. But if he won’t listen, take along one or two others because these witnesses can bring clarity to the situation. If he still refuses to listen, then bring it up to the church. If he won’t listen to the church, then he’s made himself like an outsider, and you’ll need to treat him as such.
“Understand the truth: Your connection with Me gives you incredible power. When your purposes are aligned with Mine, you can open and close doors in the unseen spiritual world just as you do in your every day life. When two or three of you pray, desiring My name to be advanced, I’m standing right beside you.”
Peter then asked, “Master, how many times should I forgive a brother who hurts me? Seven times?”
Jesus answered, “No, instead seventy times seven.
“It’s like this: A king wanted to settle debts with people who owed him money. One of his subjects owed him well over $400 million (375 tons of silver or even gold). He couldn’t pay; so the king proposed liquidating the man’s estate and then selling him, his wife and his children as slaves. The debtor fell to the ground pleading, ‘Give me time. Give me time. I’ll find a way to pay it all back.’ The king had compassion on this man and decided to cancel the debt. Then the man who had his debt canceled found someone who owed him money, about four months wages. He grabbed him by the throat and said, ‘Where’s my money?’ The man fell to the ground and begged him, ‘Give me time. Please give me time and I’ll pay it all.’ But he refused. Instead, he had him thrown into debtors’ prison to be kept until the debt was paid. When the other subjects witnessed this, they went and told the king everything. The king had the man summoned. He said, ‘You evil man! I canceled your debt when you pleaded with me. Why didn’t you have compassion on the man who owed you money?’ Then the king handed the man over to be tortured in prison until every bit of his debt was paid. This is how My Father in heaven will treat you if you don’t forgive your fellow Christian from your heart.” Matthew 18:15-35 DCR
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25 NIV)
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37 NIV)
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32 NIV)
Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. 9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 2 Corinthians 2:7-10 NIV (see 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 for context)
Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them. (Luke 17:4 NIV)
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9 NLT
If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. (John 20:23 NIV)
Jesus’ example
Jesus healed one of the men who arrests Him
And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. 51 But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him. (Luke 22:50-51 NIV) (See also Matthew 26:51-54, Mark 14:47, John 18:10-11)
Jesus forgave from the cross
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[a] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. [a] Some early manuscripts do not have this sentence. (Luke 23:34 NIV)
Anger
Sure, you will get angry. Everybody does. But don’t let your anger turn into sin. Release it to God before the day ends. (Ephesians 4:26 DCR)
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11 NIV)
[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV)
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20 NIV)
[Jesus said,] But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.” (Matthew 5:22 NLT)
Sometimes God does NOT forgive
Sometimes prophets ask God NOT to forgive people. Examples: Isaiah 2:8-9, Jeremiah 18:23. And sometimes God chooses not to forgive. Examples: Hosea 1:6, Matthew 12:32
Yet God wants all to repent
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9 NIV)
And our enemy is not human
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12 NIV)
Blood atonement and forgiveness
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. (Matthew 26:28 NIV)
In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. (Hebrews 9:22 NIV)
