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I like being right. As a Christian, truth is important to me, and I have a distaste for false teachings.

Unfortunately, this need to be right has gotten me into trouble. My stubborn insistence on being right sometimes gets in the way of God’s purposes. For many years when I saw other people—Christian and non—expressing beliefs that I knew were not right, my first impulse was to correct them. My unspoken mentality was: You’re wrong. I’m right. Let me fix you.

Outcome? I walked away convinced I had won the argument. The other person just…walked away. I lost a friend.

I bring this up, because I see this happening a lot, particularly online. The “I’m right; you’re wrong” mentality comes in many forms. “God told me to say this.” “If you disagree with me, you’re disagreeing with the word of God.” “I’m more educated, informed, intelligent than you.” Yada, yada.

Setting people straight has terrible costs. Here are a few:

• We lose friends—friends we were meant to win to Jesus.
• People walk away with a distaste for Christianity.
• We don’t grow because we lack the humility to learn from someone who disagrees with us.

We grow by asking questions. We grow by seeking to understand. We grow by listening. At the end of the day, we may still disagree, but at least we’ve all moved forward in our journey.

Each of us is a work in progress. No matter how anointed, gifted, educated or spiritual we are, at some level, we’re all right, and, at some level, we’re all wrong. It’s called being human. Every person has something to teach us—if we’re willing to learn.

Do you know about Spiritual Self Defense? Check it out here:
http://ssdcourage.com/spiritual-self-defense/

Do you know about Spiritual Self Defense? Check it out here:
http://ssdcourage.com/spiritual-self-defense/

Throughout the New Testament we receive instructions on holy living. Yet we are also told that we are not under the law, but under grace. We are told that our righteousness comes by faith, not by works. What gives? Are we supposed to straighten up or not?

This puzzled me for many years. But now it makes sense.

Here’s how I understand it. When we invite Jesus to take charge of our lives, we become new people—completely new (2 Corinthians 5:17). This is a work of grace. The instruction for holy living is merely a description of who we really are. Yet, clearly, sometimes our behavior and our desires are not consistent with this new identity. How do we account for that difference?

Deception. At some level, we are deceived. If our hearts could see things from God’s perspective, there would be no discrepancy between the holy standards set in scripture and our own everyday lives. We would always want what God wants. So when we find these instructions for holy living to be jarring, this is an opportunity for us to invite Jesus further into the broken places in our lives. There He does His work of grace to remove deception so God’s heart becomes our heart.

It’s all grace, all the time. Yet God’s holy standards are never compromised. That’s how I see it. What about you?

Do you know about Spiritual Self Defense? Check it out here:
http://ssdcourage.com/spiritual-self-defense/

Do you know about Spiritual Self Defense? Check it out here:
http://ssdcourage.com/spiritual-self-defense/

#1 You are not alone

Many, many people have gone through this same journey. They’re all around you. One in three women, one in six men are survivors. At least. I’ve had professional counselors tell me they think the actual numbers are much higher—50% or more. You are not alone.

#2 It’s not your fault

No matter what you’ve been led to believe—it’s not your fault. You did not sin. The person who did this to you is the person who did wrong. You did nothing to cause it. You are not at fault—even if part of you “enjoyed” it or part of you “wanted” it. You are not the one in the wrong.

#3 It’s okay to be angry

Yes, it’s okay to be angry. Guess what? God is angry. He doesn’t want his precious daughters and sons molested or abused. Abuse is not God’s plan for you, and He is angry that it happened. You have a right to be angry. An injustice has been committed against you.

Having said that, there will come a day when the anger no longer serves you. When that day comes, Jesus is ready to take that anger from you if you’re willing to give it to Him.

#4 Jesus hurts with you

Jesus feels your pain. He weeps when you weep. He hurts with you.

#5 There is a way out

Through your experience of abuse, the enemy intended to implant all kinds of painful lies to cause shame, fear, panic, rage, temptation, twisted thinking, messed up relationships, and damaged lives. But Jesus is about fixing things that are broken. There are good people out there who can help you connect with Jesus in a way that will heal and set you free from a painful past.

Dwight Clough

Dwight Clough is the author of Spiritual Self Defense: How to use the Christian faith to defend yourself against anxiety, anger, addiction and all kinds of bullies. He and his wife Kim have ministered to many survivors of sexual abuse.

Photo: Kathy, Flickr, Creative Commons

The church is about three things:

• Friends
• Faith
• Support to make a difference

Let me elaborate.

Friends

We start with the greatest commandments:

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40 NIV

Church without friendship is not church. It might be a lecture hall. It might be a concert. It might be a show. But it’s not a church. Church is where we learn to love God by loving our neighbors.

Friendship/relationship is the currency of Christ’s kingdom. Nearly all New Testament instructions (including all the instructions relating to the local church) center around loving one another. Without relationships, love is never expressed.

Friendship validates our message. We live in a culture where there are thousands of competing messages all vying for our attention. To survive, we must ignore most of them. How do we decide which to pay attention to? The dividing line is relationship. We listen to people who care about us. The old saying is true: “Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care [about them].” Jesus put it this way:

“By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35 NASB

Healthy relationships are characterized by understanding, trust, respect and love.

Nobody wants to be a project. But everybody wants a friend. Friends accept and love one another, even when they disagree. The goal of friendship is friendship. Love is unconditional. We don’t love people on the condition they convert, agree or change. We love them as they are for who they are: a person much loved by God.

Christian culture often divides church people into the ministers (those who have something of value to share) and the needy (those who need help). This creates roadblocks to friendship. We all have something to share. We all have needs. We each are both ministers and needy.

Friendships provide opportunity for us to grow. People challenge us on multiple levels. This is a good thing. We take those challenges to God and cash them in for patience, kindness, self control, peace, joy and love.

Putting people on the same bench listening to the same sermon does not create friendships.

Leaving friendship to chance does not create friendship. Some people have difficulty forming friendships; it is the responsibility of the church to help these folks into meaningful relationships.

One of the primary reasons people leave the church is they find (from their perspective) judgment instead of friendship. One of the big reasons people in their early twenties leave the church is this: They have no close friends in the church. One of the biggest things we can do to ensure the success of the local church is to prioritize friendship.

Most churches have a small group program, but most churches struggle to get more than 20% of their congregation enrolled. We need to do some troubleshooting to find out why that is, and we shouldn’t assume that it is the fault of the people who choose not to enroll. Maybe we need to approach the small group thing a different way.

Faith

We start here with the Great Commission:

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20 NIV

Faith means that we bring people into a meaningful relationship with Jesus.

Discipleship thrives when people come into a meaningful relationship with Jesus. By that, I do NOT mean they said a prayer, and they’re set. Suppose a husband and wife said “I do” at the marriage altar, and then went on to have nothing to do with each other for the rest of their lives. Would you call that a marriage? I wouldn’t. It certainly is not a meaningful relationship.

A meaningful relationship with Jesus will look a little different for each person. But here are some defining characteristics:

A meaningful relationship with God means that no part of our lives is off limits for God. We share every part of our lives with Him, and we submit every part of our lives to Him.

A meaningful relationship means that we have faith to believe God for answers to prayer and faith to trust God when our prayers are not answered according to our wishes.

A meaningful relationship with Jesus means that we find comfort from Him in those places where we are hurting, and we find coaching/encouragement/instruction from Him in those places where we are trying to find our way. He heals our hearts and renews our minds.

A meaningful relationship with Jesus means we love soaking up what He has to say to us through His word and through His Spirit.

A meaningful relationship with Jesus means that we have confidence in Him for His provision for us to be forgiven, to be brought into God’s family, to receive the gift of eternal life.

Needless to say, a meaningful relationship with Christ is something far different than try-harder behavior modification and sign-on-the-dotted-line doctrinal uniformity. Leaders must be able to show their followers how to “taste and see that God is good” and experience a moment-by-moment relationship with Christ.

Support to make a difference

Here we start with this instruction from the Apostle Paul:

So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Ephesians 4:11-13 NIV [emphasis mine]

What are those “works of service”? They could include starting a food pantry, building earthquake resistant houses for displaced people in Nepal, writing blog posts and books, working in the church nursery, praying with people for emotional healing, starting an NGO to rescue people from human trafficking, adopting a child, volunteering at a rescue mission, planting a new church, being a companion to an elderly person, sharing one’s story with an audience, recording music, starting a coffee shop to create a meeting place for Christians, raising funds to buy an airplane for a missions organization, creating mission-focused internships for students, distributing gloves to the homeless, writing letters to persecuted Christians or any of a thousand different things. Please note that these works of service might or might not have anything to do with perpetuating a Sunday morning church meeting. But they all matter, and they all need to be validated, affirmed, encouraged, supported, mentored, coached and celebrated by church leaders.

Unfortunately, research shows that the people who are the most motivated to make a difference in their world sometimes run into the most resistance and opposition from the bureaucracy in their own church. Many of these people end up walking away from church because they can make a bigger difference on their own.

To be fair, church leaders are reluctant to endorse outside ministries because they have no control over what those outside ministries might do. And church leaders are likewise reluctant to hand over too much responsibility too early within the church to the wrong person. While I understand these concerns, there are still plenty of options for celebrating, affirming, validating and coaching people who desire to make a difference. A mentoring program, a Sunday morning commissioning service, a newsletter with updates, and any of a thousand other options are available and should be employed to move the church from a sermon-centered event to an empowering community.

Church leaders need to remember that the real Kingdom footprint of a congregation extends outside the four walls of the church building and way beyond an hour or two on Sunday. Cultivating and deploying that Kingdom potential is Mission #1 for the church leader. This requires a vision that goes way beyond perpetuating a Sunday morning event.

Photo credit: Don O’Brien, Flickr, Creative Commons License

I want to suggest a little wisdom:

Don’t get your worldview from an angry person.

Before you swallow someone’s politics, theology, philosophy, science, economics or other perspectives, it pays to look at how well that person has resolved issues arising from their childhood.

Here’s why:

It’s common knowledge that our view of God is shaped in childhood by the gods of early childhood, namely Mommy and Daddy. There’s just one problem with that: Our parents make mistakes. Even if they didn’t, we tend to misinterpret their actions and misunderstand their motives. On top of that, some people have genuinely horrible parents who did not even try to act in the best interests of their children.

As a result, all of us grow up with issues to overcome relating to our parents and to our childhood. That’s just the way life is in a fallen world. If we fail to overcome these issues, then, at a very primal level, our view of life and our view of God will be skewed.

The problem is this: We tend to build an intellectual superstructure on that primal foundation. This is why incredibly intelligent people put together very smart sounding perspectives on life that are just wrong. Someone with unresolved anger, especially toward abusive or absent parents or other authority figures is going to see everything in their world through the lens of that anger. That anger will color how they see politics, economics, science, sex, marriage, philosophy and, most importantly, God.

Once upon a time, I thought that education, wisdom, knowledge, intelligence and maturity were rough equivalents. I no longer believe that. The Bible speaks of those who are “ever learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 3:7).

The Bible also says that anger gives the enemy a foothold (Ephesians 4:27), and that bitterness contaminates not only ourselves but others around us (Hebrews 12:15).

Maybe this is why Peter tells us to add to our faith first virtue (goodness) and then knowledge (2 Peter 1:5). Paul likewise says knowledge puff us while love builds up (2 Corinthians 8:1). And Solomon says, “Don’t make friends with an angry person, or you will learn his ways and fall into a trap.” (Proverbs 22:24-25)

Education, knowledge and intelligence are wonderful gifts. Built on the right foundation, they can bring much good into many lives. But don’t be seduced by them if they are in the hands of an angry person.

My two cents. Your thoughts?

Photo credit: Rick, Flickr, Creative Commons License

I originally wrote this when my oldest daughter was a little girl. It has become a favorite here.

Merry Christmas!

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy…” Luke 2:10

I remember my first Santa Claus doubts. How could a fat man get down a skinny chimney, not just at our house, but at the houses of little boys and girls all over the world? I mean there must be hundreds.

Then came the fateful day when I learned the Truth. Two truths, in fact. My mother was cleaning something in the living room and she said, “You know the Easter Bunny is just make believe.”

That didn’t bother me. The Easter Bunny always hid the baskets behind the TV. He was expendable.

Then she added, “You know, make believe, just like Santa Claus.”

I nodded like I had known all along. But inside this revelation hurt. I wanted to believe that somewhere there was someone who cared enough about me to find out just what I wanted and to risk getting stuck in the chimney to bring it to me.

I missed Santa Claus. He had been a good friend.

I think my dad missed Santa Claus too. Now he had to take the place of the man from the North Pole. And my dad’s sack of toys wasn’t as big as he wanted it to be. Every December he sat us down and delivered the sad news. “I’m afraid there won’t be much of a Christmas this year,” he told us. “We just don’t have the money.”

I felt for him. I wanted to tell him it was okay.

“We don’t have the money,” he said and so my brother and I prepared ourselves to face the sparse holiday my father had predicted. Yet, on the morning of the 25th, we came downstairs to find our stockings stuffed and the floor beneath the tree littered with presents.

Santa slipped out of my life, and, as I grew older, a chilling realization slipped in—one that haunts me even to this day. In every city and scattered across the country, little ones, with hearts full of hope, hang up their stockings with care. But the man in red flies by their homes without stopping. In the morning their stockings look no different than they did the night before.

These children don’t need to be told that there is no Santa Claus. They find out quite on their own.

Now I’m a dad. My little girl never heard of Santa Claus until one of the neighbors told her. And, at bedtime, she doesn’t ask me to tell her about a man with toys and eight reindeer. Instead she says, “Tell me about when Jesus was born.”

She knows the story well, but she asks me to tell it to her just the same.

I start with the decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. I tell her that Joseph and Mary had to walk a long time. And when they got to Bethlehem, no place was found for them to stay.

My daughter and I ponder that in the silence of our own thoughts. I suppose she thinks of how it would be to never find a McDonald’s with a Playland and how it would be to ride on a donkey without a car seat. But I think of Joseph. There he was, pushed out of his home by a senseless decree from a Roman emperor. He comes to the town that is rightfully his own, but no one greets him. No one takes him in. Worried, he asks around for a midwife and a dry, warm, comfortable bed for Mary. “Sorry,” people say. “Sorry, we can’t help you.” In the end, he takes shelter in a barn. And all he can offer the one he loves is a wool blanket and some straw.

I feel for him.

Then my mind goes back to my dad. I see him there at the kitchen table, sifting through a stack of bills, wondering where he will get the money to buy toys for his children. And for the little ones everywhere whose stockings are empty, I hurt. I wish I could shower gifts on them all. And I wonder, Where is the outrage from heaven?

My daughter tugs at my arm. “Tell me the rest of the story, Daddy.”

We switch to the hills around Bethlehem. “On the night Jesus was born,” I tell her, “in the hills, the sheep were sleeping—sleeping away. ’Baaa. Baaaa.’ They were dreaming sheep dreams. The shepherds were there, watching over their sheep.

“All of a sudden, an angel appeared to the shepherds! They were afraid.

“But the angel said, ‘Do not be afraid.’”

My daughter always smiles when I tell her this.

“The angel said, ‘I bring you good news of great joy. For tonight unto you in the city of David is born a Savior, who is Christ, the Lord. And this will be a sign unto you: You will find the baby lying in a manger.’

“And suddenly, all across the sky, the night was bright with angels. And they were singing, ‘Glory to God in the highest. And on earth peace, goodwill to men.’”

My little girl’s eyes get big as we look at the bedroom ceiling together. And I wonder to myself, Can she see what my eyes cannot? Can she see the heavens filled with angels?

What would it be like to see the heavens open? I ask myself. But, though I try, I can see no vision of angels. Instead of angels, I see a man. But he’s not in a shepherd’s field; he’s in a hospital room. And he’s not singing. He’s dancing, holding his newborn daughter in his arms, filled with emotions he could never put into words. I see him there, spinning and twirling, and I realize that man is me.

“Daddy, tell me the rest of the story.”

The reason for the angels’ visit begins to make sense. So, tonight, I change the story. “What do you suppose those shepherds saw when they came to the barn where Jesus was born? Do you think they saw Joseph out in front, dancing under the stars?”

“Daddy, you are silly. They saw the baby Jesus lying in a manger.”

Oh, yes. I sit there for a long time while my daughter falls asleep and dreams of angels. I sit there and think about those words from heaven: “Do not be afraid.”

And, suddenly, I want to rush back through the years and talk to a little boy who grew up to be a daddy himself and say, “Have you seen the angels? Have you heard their song? Did you know that Jesus is here?”

And then I want to stop at a kitchen table and speak to my tired and discouraged dad. “Do not be afraid. What you cannot give has been given for you.”

And I want to swoop down chimneys everywhere with angels at my side and bring the good news to every little one whose heart was filled with hope. “Do not be afraid. The heavens have opened for you. The angels are here for you. Immanuel has come. Do not be afraid.”

If I could, I’d bear presents to them all. Not because I think the trinkets I can give will satisfy Christmas needs. Instead, I’d bring gifts as tokens of a giving, caring God. And I’d pray that when the children finally unwrapped the paper, they’d find not a doll nor a toy truck, but rather a tiny baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

The next morning, my wife and I are busy in the kitchen. Company is coming. Our little girl is talking to her dollies and her stuffed animals, saying this and that. We don’t pay much attention, glad to have a few minutes to straighten the house and make a meal. All at once we are arrested by her words:

“Do not be afraid. For I bring you good news of great joy.”

I feel like God wants me to share with you some ideas that will help you find and attract the right person to date and eventually marry. I learned some of this by doing it, and some of it the hard way, by not doing it. Trust me—you don’t want to do this the hard way. You’ll avoid a whole world of hurt by doing it the easy way.

Here goes:

#1 Make Jesus Christ the center of your life. He needs to be first place, first consideration, Lord and Savior, no question, no competition, no doubt about it. Here’s why:

(a) It’s only fair. If you don’t give God your best, why should He give you His best choice for you in a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife?

(b) This clarifies your priorities and makes everything in your life much, much easier. The Bible says the way of the transgressor is hard, but Jesus said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

(c) You want to attract someone from the opposite sex who shares this value. I’m 58 years old. I’ve watched the lives of people who have ignored this. Their lives have been filled with pain.

(d) It’s the first step in getting anything you want. The Bible says,
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33 NLT

#2 Let yourself be loved by God. This too is incredibly important. Most people want that person of the opposite sex to fill that need for love in their lives. Big mistake.

Here’s why: There will come a time in your relationship when that drug of attraction wears off (and, yes, there is something biochemical in the brain that happens with early romance), and suddenly that other person is tasked with the responsibility of being your little god. That person will fail, and you will be in enormous pain because of it. Meanwhile, if the other person is doing the same thing, that person will have all kinds of unrealistic expectations of you. This is the main reason so many marriages end in divorce.

While romance and marriage does add a beautiful dimension to your life, it also will challenge you at your core. I never knew how self-centered, angry and impatient I was until I got married. Marriage forced me to grow up in ways I never knew I would need to do. If / when you have children, your need to grow up will be put on steroids. Again, your children will add a beautiful dimension to your life. I cannot imagine my life without my children. But raising children will challenge you, and they, more than anyone else, need you to be up for that challenge. They need you to be emotionally whole. The only way you’re going to get there is to let yourself be loved by God.

When you let yourself be loved by God, His love fills up the hurting places in your life. You are far less vulnerable to sin, addiction, and unhealthy romance. It’s a paradox. The less you need that other person to be your god, the more you are set free to really love and enjoy that other person.

I’ve written elsewhere about transformational or Theophostic prayer. That’s the best technique I’ve found to let yourself be loved by God. It’s not the only way to let yourself be loved by God, but it’s a good way. Other approaches to soaking in the love of God involve prayer, praise, worship, taking walks with God and so on.

To have a successful romance and a successful marriage, you will need to figure out that you are not the center of the universe. If you allow yourself to deeply experience the love of God, that won’t even be an issue for you. If you don’t, figuring out that you aren’t the center of the universe will be a huge tragedy. Trust me, we all think we are, and it takes time to figure out we aren’t.

#3 Fix any relationship problems you currently have. Sorry. Nobody gets a free pass on this one. If you need to forgive, forgive. You can’t take bitterness into a romance or into a marriage and expect it not to pollute this new relationship that you care so much about. It will show up. It will come back to bite you. Again, I have written extensively elsewhere on the process of forgiving others. Contact me if you need that.

#4 Determine to remain sexually pure all your life. No sex with the person you’re dating until after the wedding. (And no seeing how close you can get to intercourse without doing it. If it looks or feels sexual, don’t do it.) This is a form of respect for the person you date and the person you end up marrying. We live in a culture that doesn’t understand this. I get that.

Sex was designed by God for the permanent relationship of marriage. To engage in sex with another person outside of marriage cheapens sex, cheapens the other person, cheapens yourself, and defies God’s command.

When you have sex with someone, you leave part of your soul with that person. I don’t know that you can ever get that part of your soul back. So don’t give yourself away outside of marriage.

God wants you to have the best experience with sex. The devil lies and says the best experience means jumping into bed with someone that you’re not married to. But that is a lie because shame, guilt and competition will come back to haunt you.

By having sex outside of marriage you erode the trust of your spouse once you get married. (If he / she couldn’t stay pure before we got married, what guarantee do I have that he / she will be faithful to me now.) In addition, you create damaging doubts in the mind of your spouse. (Would my spouse rather be with that other person?)

Sex was designed partly as a glue to hold marriages together. This creates a safe, stable environment for children when they are young and vulnerable. God’s eye is always on the most vulnerable person in the room.

If at some point you slip on this, start over. Determine to be sexually pure from that day forward.

#5 Learn to listen. Understanding is an incredibly important part of a healthy relationship. Learn to get other people to talk about themselves. Focus in on their stories. Make them the center of attention. Read up on this if you need to. Learn to become a good conversationalist. Learn to listen with empathy. Learn how men and women process this differently. Learn to see things from the other person’s point of view, even if you disagree. Learn to understand. Make this a goal. It will serve you well.

Don’t forget this one. It opens doors for you. Work at it. Become good at it.

#6 Make respect a big priority. A while back someone claimed that he could listen to a married couple talk for fifteen minutes and predict with about 90% accuracy whether they would be divorced in the next two years. He had solid research to back up his claim. How did he do it? He simply listened for respect. If the two people respected one another, the marriage survives. If they didn’t, it dies. So practice respect. Respect other people’s boundaries. Respect their wishes. Respect them as people. Respect their views, even if you disagree. And make yourself worthy of respect by being a person of integrity, of character, of responsibility.

Both men and women need to be respected. For men, the need to be respected may be a little higher. And women want to marry a guy they can respect. For most men, that means they need to grow up. A lot.

If you can’t respect the person you’re dating, break up. Now. Don’t wait.

#7 Earn and deserve trust. Your spouse / boyfriend / girlfriend needs to be 100% safe with you all the time. All the time. That means if you’re super angry, that other person is still safe. Trust is closely connected with integrity. Integrity means you’re doing what’s right, even when nobody is watching. Trust means you keep your promises. Trust means you apologize when you make mistakes, and you do your best to fix it. Make yourself worthy of trust.

And you need to be 100% safe with this other person. If you cannot trust the person you are dating, break up. Now. Don’t wait. Trust is essential. No long term healthy relationship is possible without trust. If you don’t have trust, the only thing left to keep the relationship together is fear, and you don’t want a relationship based on fear.

#8 Love. I mention this toward the end for a reason. If these other elements are not present, then it’s easy to be fooled by biochemistry, infatuation or lust and mistake these things for love. Love means you value the other person and they value you. You care for and about each other. You are good to and for each other.

Learn the other person’s love language and speak it. Love is, at its core, unselfish. Read 1 Corinthians 13. You can measure yourself as a lover from that chapter. If you let yourself be loved by God, then you will have a reservoir of love for the other person, even in those dry times when you may not feel like you’re getting much love back.

It also helps if you like each other. It helps if you like hanging out together, doing some of the same things.

#9 Fish where the fish are. What’s wrong with the picture above? You can’t fish from a bucket and expect to catch any fish.

This is where mega churches, Christian colleges, YWAM DTSs and mission trips are your best friend. There are good groups of Christian single adults in most places. Find out where they are and when they meet. Go to the meetings. You’ll find quality people there. And I don’t mean churchy people. I mean quality people. Save up money and go on a missions trip with a group. You’ll get to know some good people, and they will get to know you. I attended Moody when I was a college student. People used to call Moody Bible Institute Moody Bridal Institute. Plenty of people attended at least partly because they wanted to find a good spouse. We laughed at it back in the day, but in retrospect, it wasn’t a bad idea. At all.

#10 Make a list. Make a list of the qualities you want in a spouse. Write them down. Pray through that list every day. You get what you pray for. I’ve seen this happen with several people. They followed this advice, and they got the spouse of their dreams. Try it. It just might work for you.

The great thing about all of this is that ALL of these things are under your control. You can make ALL of these things happen—if you want to. A beautiful romance and a beautiful marriage are not fairy tale things that just happen to happen to you. You have enormous control over whether they happen or not. Yes, there is the element supplied by God—bringing the right person into your life, but if you follow these things, then finding that right person becomes much, much easier.

A guide for Christians

Thousands of voices come at us every day with competing messages: Forget the law, you’re under grace. If you’re not following the law, you’re not following Jesus. Name it and claim it. Don’t trust the prosperity gospel. Vote Republican. Vote Democrat. Don’t vote at all. Yada yada.

Who’s telling the truth?

It’s easier than ever to be deceived, and to head off in a direction that God does not want us to take. Let me suggest four principles to guide us back to truth.

 

(1) Know your Bible

This is important, and it cannot be delegated to someone else. The Bible is God’s road map to truth. You need to know your Bible. That means reading it from cover to cover, not just once, but again and again throughout your life.

Here’s how I do it: I downloaded the Bible on audio to my phone. I play that audio all night. As I’m falling asleep, I’m listening to scripture. As I wake up and get ready for my day, I’m listening to the Bible. It’s not uncommon for me to listen to 10, 20, 30 or more chapters in a night. This gives me the big picture. When someone comes along claiming that a verse supports their crazy ideas, I’m better able to evaluate whether that passage in its context is really saying what that person claims it’s saying.

That’s one approach. There are many others. If you need help getting into the Bible, contact me. I have great resources for you.

 

(2) Ask God for wisdom

God is eager to give wisdom to His kids. All you need to do is ask. Hopefully, you’re developing a close relationship with Jesus where you’re able to discern His guidance in your life. How do you know if your wisdom is coming from God? Here’s a verse that might help: “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17 NIV

Keep in mind that wisdom comes from obedience. When we disobey what God has clearly revealed to us that He wants us to do, we block any further wisdom from Him. The house of wisdom cannot be built on a foundation of disobedience. This is one reason why some otherwise very intelligent people come up with outlandish ideas—they’re building on the wrong foundation.

 

(3) Pay attention to history

Biblical, church and secular history has much to teach us if we’re willing to pay attention. The new heresies are recycled versions of the old ones. There’s nothing new under the sun. Philosopher George Santayana famously said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

 

(4) Examine the fruit

Jesus said that we can tell a tree by its fruit. If someone is walking in the truth, then their lives should be producing more and more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Read Galatians 5 or the Sermon on Mount in Matthew 5-7. A person who walks in the truth should be living a righteous life. If they aren’t, then it’s time to look elsewhere for guidance.

Dwight

PS. Would you join me to build a new empowering community? The Alternative Church is a Google+ community open to all but designed particularly for those who have stepped away from traditional church. Our culture is respect. Our aim is to move from a sermon-centered event to an empowering community. My prayer is that you will find friends, inspiration and a safe place to process your spiritual journey. https://plus.google.com/communities/115133641096267494030 (You need to be logged into a Google account to access.)

Photo credit: Adapted from a Creative Commons Flickr photo by Taras Kalapun